Control. When I think about having control in my life, I tend to bounce around. On one hand, I am thrilled that God’s in control instead of me, because I am pretty sure that I would be lousy at being in charge of the universe. So, I’m good with God being in charge- until a monster problem appears in my life. A monster problem could be poor health, divorce, unemployment, grief- and the list goes on. These problems can push me to forget God is in control, because all I want to do is take control of the situation and “fix it.” So, I get busy “doing things,” and in my own way I begin to believe that the things I am doing will “fix it.” The things I am doing may be important and need to be done, but at some point I need to stop and remember that I am not in charge – God is.
The only way to feel in control is to admit you’re not in control. Knowing that God is in control and not you can provide a path to actually having control in your life.
The first step? Remember you are not in control.
Cancer brings lots of things for us to try to control, like eating, fatigue, test results, side effects- and the list goes on. But the one area that we spend a tremendous amount of energy trying to control, and yet typically do not acknowledge, is our emotions.
- “I don’t want them to see me upset.”
- “I can’t get angry when they are trying so hard.”
- “I don’t have the energy to keep smiling.”
- “I love seeing the grandkids, but not all day.”
- “I need to hide how frightened I am.”
Sometimes, it’s more than just a matter of not sharing emotions; it is not admitting to yourself that you are having them. Yet, as the cancer walk gets longer and the fatigue gets greater, the feelings can start to sneak out in the form of frustration and irritability. The lack of a place to share your honest feelings can take a toll on you. The real question is: if you don’t admit you’re having negative emotions, then how can you lift the feeling up to God for help?